Neon Blue
by Lugian Before Swine
Summary: Jake & Amir drabble series, ranging in genre from friendship to romance to total crack humor. Rating is likely to go up. Prompts taken from the 100 situations comm on LJ. Speaking of LJ, this is also posted over there.
1. Tired

**A/N: Welcome to my new drabble series, combining two of my great loves: drabbles and Jake & Amir. What could be better? For me, at least…**

**Disclaimer: I don't own these guys or anything recognizable. **_**Sigh.**_

**Prompt: Tired**

"Hey," Jake says, tapping on Amir's desk.

There's no response.

"Amir," Jake says.

Silence.

"If you come out from under your desk right now, I will buy you nuggets."

Amir sits up abruptly and hits his head on the underside of the desk, but he doesn't seem to notice. He slides out from under the desk and addresses Jake: "Seriously?"

Jake ignores his question. "How can you possibly just pass out like that?"

Amir looks at him from his position on the floor. "What do you mean?"

"You, just, spontaneous napping, never mind," Jake babbles.

Amir looks amused. "I get tired. I nap."

Jake looks him in the eyes. Amir smiles back at him and doesn't say anything.

"Okay. Whatever."

"So noogs, then?" Amir asks.

* * *

**The title of the fic is the name of the song I was listening to when I wrote this. I've been doing that a lot lately. Thank you Still Life Still.**


	2. Hot

**Prompt: Hot**

The air conditioner picked the absolute worst time to break. It was July, and the normally climate-controlled office suddenly felt like the African savannah. Jake was going to call a repairman, but unfortunately, Murph had smashed the air conditioner's control panel to bits in a fit of rage, rendering it impossible to repair.

"How did that help?!" Ricky screamed. "You're buying us a new one!"

"Lord knows where he got that pick ax," said Pat sadly, shaking his head in mock despair. _And now I'm 10 bucks richer. Hah. Bitch._

Jake put the phone down and was about to yell at Murph, but something—no, someone—grabbed him from behind. "Hello, comprende! Why are we all complaining?"

"Let go of me," Jake said.

Amir let go for a brief second before grabbing Jake by the shoulders and spinning him around to face him. "What's up?"

"The air conditioner broke, then Murph totally destroyed it," Jake sighed.

"I WAS PISSED!" Murph shouted. " I _AM_ PISSED!" He held the pick ax high above his head and swung it around, causing everyone in the vicinity to duck in unison.

"I'm getting out of here," Jake announced, but no one besides Amir heard him due to the screaming and cackling.

Amir stalked Jake out into the hallway. "I want to tell you something," he said suddenly.

Jake turned around. "What? Do you secretly have an extra air conditioner you're willing to give us?"

"An extra what?" Amir asked. "Anyway, Jake, I wanted to tell you that I think you're pretty."

Jake's eyes widened. Was he blushing? No, it was the heat; it was definitely the heat. "Umm, okay, thanks, I guess?"

Amir just stood there looking pleased with himself. "No problem."

Jake wasn't exactly sure he liked being called pretty, but he was sure of one thing: someone had to get that ax away from Murph. "Hey, let's go have an epic battle to claim the pick ax," Jake said.

"Okay!" Amir shouted.

And it was over, one moment lost in time and blamed on the heat.


	3. Disgust

**Prompt: Disgust**

Jake had had a long day at work. Not only did he have to write three scripts and shoot a video, he was also deemed The One Who Knows Most About Fixing The Copier, and fulfilling that title took a solid three hours. Amir hadn't even shown up to work to provide comic relief. All Jake wanted to do was go home, eat dinner, and go to bed.

Unfortunately, life was never that simple.

Jake unlocked his apartment door, stepped inside, and gasped.

From a quick sweep of the room, Jake could see at least 40 empty nugget containers strewn across the floor, and there was a trail of barbeque sauce leading from the fridge to the table to the couch. Dirty napkins were everywhere, including stuffed into the toaster, and there were 12 empty cans of Coke on the kitchen counter.

Jake thought maybe he would grab a garbage can and throw up, but then he looked at his bed and saw Amir, lying on top of the covers, totally passed out.

Jake smiled to himself. Good thing Amir stayed; now he could help Jake clean up.

Gross.


	4. Peace

**Prompt: Peace**

"ACE."

_Oh dear Lord no._

"ACE. Are you ignoring me? Best friends don't ignore each other, Ace."

"What do you want?"

"There is an evil force lurking around this very corner."

"Amir, I'm not doing this. Go away."

"Who is this 'Amir' you speak of, Ace? Surely he is a wonderful and awesome person in every possible way, but alas I don't know who he is."

"…That made little to no discernable sense. I have work to do. So do you, actually."

"But the evil force! Lurking! Around this—"

"—Very corner, yeah, I know. Please go away now."

"Ace, I'm sorry, but if you don't help defeat this evil monster I'm afraid I'll have to tell everyone exactly what happened at your apartment last night. You know, when you grabbed me and—"

"You know what? Let's go kill that evil monster, Jocelyn."


	5. New

**Prompt: New**

Jake gets tired of the monotony. Yeah, working for a website is great, but he essentially does the same thing every day. Write a script, maybe an article, check his email. Then something will break and the interns will rap about it instead of fixing it, and lots of coffee will be consumed as a result of this. Pat will confess his undying love for Sarah, she will reject him, then he will buy 12 Twix bars from the vending machine and eat them in secret in the bathroom. Dan will be injured in some way or another, and Amir will inevitably beg to go to the Ds in the middle of the day.

Today, however, Streeter walks up to Jake's desk, deadpans at him, and says, "Dude. We know. Get over it."

Jake hesitates. "Oh," he says. And suddenly, everything's new.


	6. Pickpocket

**Prompt: Pickpocket**

Jake had lost his keys. He thought they were in his pocket, but he just couldn't find them. Finally, in an act of desperation, he emptied his pockets out entirely and spilled their contents onto his desk.

Amir watched him intently.

"Quit creeping," Jake said absently as he dug through the pile. No luck. "I'm gonna go check the bathroom…maybe the conference room, too," he muttered to himself. And he walked away, leaving his stuff on the desk.

Amir smirked triumphantly. He waited until Jake had turned a corner, then he jumped up and quickly collected all of Jake's belongings.

This would be fun.

------

When Jake came back to the desks, Amir was sitting with his laptop put away and his hands folded together in a businesslike manner.

"What?" Jake asked.

Amir started to say, "Oh, nothing," but Jake cut him off.

"Hey, where's my stuff?!"

It seemed as if the entire bottom of Amir's face was taken up by his grinning mouth. "I made you a scavenger hunt." He said the words slowly, like he had just learned them.

Jake gaped, then his mouth snapped shut. "You what?" he said through clenched teeth.

"Hid your things about the office."

Jake glared a mighty glare of death.

"I knew you'd like it!" Amir said happily. "Oh, and here's a bonus." Amir reached into his pocket and held out Jake's keys to him. "Good luck!"


	7. Knife

**Prompt: Knife**

They're trapped in the corner. One thought resonates through the minds of all the trapped employees: _Amir's finally lost it._

And it seems he has. He's standing, slightly hunched, over them, all of them trapped in a corner of the office. He only has one knife, it's true, and there are quite a few of them; they could probably revolt, but none of them wants to be the first one to be stabbed, so no one makes a move.

Amir says something, taunts them, brandishes the knife; calls them worthless cowards and everyone has a dim memory of when they've called Amir himself that at some point or another and in some way it seems like retribution, like karma coming to kick them in their collective ass.

This was expected to happen eventually. It was in the back of everyone's minds as they were steadily hired, _Oh, by the way, a totally insane guy works here; don't mind him, he's mostly harmless._ Mostly, yes, everyone thinks. Thanks for the heads-up, Ricky the wonder-boss. Now he's in the corner, too, with all his employees, and not a one of them is shaking with fear or regret or anything.

"So," Amir says in a sick whisper, "Which one of you wants to die first?" He grins maniacally and it's then that a hushed whisper passes through the crowd: "Where's Jake? He wouldn't kill Jake, right?"

Hearing them, Amir looks around, startled, and suddenly Jake is there, standing behind Amir and facing the trapped crowd. He looks confused for a few seconds, then raises one eyebrow.

"Guys," he says as he grabs the knife out of Amir's hand, "it's plastic."

Everyone deadpans. "Oh," they say as one. Then they all get up and move to their desks and pretend like nothing has happened.

Jake holds the fake knife up to Amir. "Dude, what the hell?"

Amir shrugs.

Another day at the fine offices of CollegeHumor. Job well done.


	8. Fly

**Prompt: Fly**

Amir is a pigeon.

Why a pigeon? He doesn't know. But he knows that he wants to be a bird and he wants to have wings and fly and see new places from the heights of the sky.

Why does he decide to tell Jake this? He doesn't know, but it may have something to do with the fact that he and Jake are the only ones in the office and it's late and Amir wants to fly and ramble. And have not-very-amused company, apparently.

Amir goes on to say that he would totally fly everywhere if he was a pigeon, even if the place he wanted to be was only two feet away and it would be easier to just walk. Walking is for people, he says.

And, you know, animals, Jake informs him.

Amir informs Jake that he doesn't care and for the love of noogs he just wants to _fly_, would you stop shitting on his parade or whatever.

Jake doesn't correct him. Instead, he makes his fingers into the shape of a gun, points at Amir, and shoots.

"Now I'm a dead pigeon," Amir says.

"That's it, then," Jake says. "It's over."

-THE END-

Dead-pigeon reference comes from the clip 'How to Tell if a Relationship is Over in 90 Seconds.' It's a very funny little video; I suggest you check it out on YouTube.


	9. Work

**Prompt: Work**

They're in the office building's elevator when Amir has a revelation. "Jake…we should work here."

At first, Jake has nothing to say. Yes, Amir has said many ridiculous and nonsensical things in his life, but this one is just so utterly _dumb_ that it throws him off guard. "What?"

"You know," Amir says, and gestures around the elevator. "We should work. Here."

"In the elevator?" Jake asks slowly.

"Yeah!" Amir says, and he walks over and hits the emergency stop on the button panel.

"What are you doing?!" Jake screams, because he's sure the fire department is going to get an alert and the whole thing will just be one big unnecessary mess.

"There's no one here," Amir says, and his voice sounds oddly normal.

"Yeah, but—"

Amir grabs Jake's hands, shoves him back against the wall, and pins his arms above his head. "So, let's get to work."

"You're sick, you know that," Jake says, but he doesn't mean it.

As it turns out, both Jake and Amir were quite productive that day.


	10. Pray

Amir has never prayed, but he sure has been blessed.

He comes to work one day to find a new kid sitting at the previously-empty desk across from his. He's unpacking some stuff from a box onto the desk while Jeff rambles on about how great a job this is and you're really gonna enjoy it and blah blah blah.

Amir shoves Jeff aside and sticks his hand out. "Hi! I'm Amir."

The new kid looks up. He has pretty blue eyes. Amir is momentarily thrown off guard, but he quickly composes himself as the new employee shakes his hand and says, "I'm Jake. Do you sit there?" He points to the desk across from his.

"Yessir, that's my home-away-from-home, et cetera," Amir blabbers.

"Oh?" Jake says, a bit nervous, but mostly just confused.

"Yup. My work is…uhh…so important to me."

"That's…good," Jake says. "Well, nice to meet you." And he bends down to lift more things out of his box.

Amir opens his mouth to say something, but it snaps shut of its own accord and he decides to just sit down at his own desk instead.

He's ridiculously nervous. He peers at the new employee—_Jake_—from over his laptop. The kid is totally oblivious, just unpacking and arranging and occasionally casting a glance around the room.

"Hey," Jake says suddenly.

"Ahh," Amir says unhelpfully. His palms are sweating. "Yeah?"

"I haven't met everyone yet, and I'm…well, I'm a little nervous," Jake says. His face colors just a touch. "Do you think you could introduce me?"

Amir understands what Jake is saying; the premise is simple enough, but he can't think of a suitable response. Instead, his brain has a freakout over the eyes-blush-perfect-hair combo, and in its frenzy, it starts spitting out strange words.

"Suresauce," Amir hears himself say. "Everyone is like, so supa great and whatever. You'll be a gullie in no time, comprende!" _What the fuck does that even mean?! _Amir screams in his head.

Jake cocks his head to the side in a questioning look, but he says, "Cool. Thanks."

There was a bit more to this blessing than Amir bargained for.


	11. Restaurant

Jake is not desperate. He is not. He just happened to stumble across an online dating site and think, "Why not?" This does not mean he can't get chicks. He's JWitz. JWitz routinely gets chicks. He just…well…can't at the moment.

To be honest, Jake was a bit too excited about the prospect of meeting someone online. How funny would it be if a woman who showed interest in him on the site turned out to have been in college with him, or someone he talked to on the subway but didn't really know, or something exciting like that. Yes, the prospects were endless.

What Jake didn't count on was the fact that no one would show any interest in him at all.

He would sit around refreshing the website at work, and no new requests would ever pop up. He started thinking that maybe he had screened his profile, or the picture of him happened to be not his best, or the site was having issues. But eventually he came to the conclusion that no woman on the site was interested in contacting him.

It was depressing. He had hoped that he would have a bunch of dates lined up right away, no one woman knowing about any of the others. He would have had it _made_. But instead he found himself stuck in his usual routine, which unfortunately involved a lot of time with Amir.

Every time Jake would check the website while Amir was around, he would yell at Jake, saying that he was too good for all the women or some gay-sounding shit like that. Jake would try to ignore him, but he had been trying to ignore Amir for years and the strategy hadn't yet worked.

With Amir's constant nagging and no responses, he decided one day as he logged onto the site that he was going to delete his profile. What was the point in sticking around? He'd already made a fool of himself on the internet; no need to prolong the agony. But as the site loaded he noticed something at the top of the page. There was a link that said "1 new request."

Jake did a mental dance for joy. He eagerly clicked on the link.

Her name was Tami, and she was 24 and blond. That was all Jake cared about. They made arrangements, after speaking to each other online and over the phone, to meet at a café on a Sunday afternoon.

Jake had been totally confused about what to wear, but had eventually decided on a plain green shirt and jeans. _Don't want to look like a commitment-ready freak._ He arrived at the café two minutes before the agreed meeting time, hoping to get there first and not make Tami wait around for him. _That'd be a total douche move._

She arrived exactly on time. She was dressed in a green blouse and a black-and-white skirt. "Look!" she squealed when she got to their table. "We match! That's a sign." She grinned.

"Umm," Jake said. Then he remembered to smile.

They had ordered coffee and some stupid little pastries and were nearing the end of the food and drinks. Jake wasn't exactly sure what to do now. Despite her slightly creepy comment at the beginning of their date, he really liked her, and she seemed to like him. The conversation between them had been nearly constant and Jake had even had time to crack a few jokes. Tami had laughed at all of them, and she had a very pretty laugh. All in all, Jake was feeling pretty confident, when suddenly he heard a rustle in the bushes behind their little outdoor table.

A familiar, whiny voice said, "Jake."

_Shit._

"Umm, who's this?" Tami asked politely.

Amir was standing behind Jake, his hands on Jake's shoulders. Jake was so filled with anger he didn't even think to try to shake them off. "Amir. Go away."

"But Jake!" whined Amir. "You promised we'd go to the Ds today!"

"Can't you see I'm busy?" Jake growled. Amir didn't budge.

"Am I interrupting something?" Tami asked, a tinge of suspicion in her voice.

Jake took a deep breath and looked her in the eyes. "No. No, it's my _stupid co-worker_ who is interrupting us."

"We're not just co-workers, we're BBFs," Amir said.

"Jake, if you already had plans…"

"No, Tami, you are my plans. Please, I mean, I will get rid of him so fast."

"Jake, I think I have to go," Tami said slowly.

"No!" Jake jumped up out of his chair. "Wait."

Tami was collecting her purse. Amir stood next to Jake and attempted to take his hand. Jake swatted him away and moved around the table.

"Jake, it's all right," Tami said. "I must have misread your profile and you were just trying to be nice. I understand."

"What are you talking about?" Jake cried.

"Well, it's obvious you're looking for men, not women, so I'll go. Thanks for being so sweet." She patted his hand and left.

"What? No! Tami!" Jake yelled. She turned a corner and disappeared.

"So, bro," Amir said. "That was harsh, but I'm always here for you, you know? You can count on me. She was a total bitch anyway."

Jake slowly turned around and stared Amir straight in the eyes. "Amir," he said. "I'm going to kill you."


	12. Choke

It's not fair.

You know you're being ridiculous. Nothing in life is fair; suck it up and get over it. But despite all the things you have—that you know you take for granted—this one little issue—this one _thing_—that you can't have is driving you insane.

You deal with it every day. The jokes, the stupidity, the general feeling that nothing is right. It's been okay, the knowledge that you're both pretending; the thing that kills you is that neither one of you will acknowledge it, even when you're alone together and there's no one around to judge. There's plenty of time to say something about it, but it gets lost in pointless rambles and eating breakfast in dinosaur pajamas.

There's nothing to do—it's like being in a stranglehold. There's only so much silent screaming and half-hearted kicking that can be done before you give up.

And that's the end, you suppose. You give up. You pretend.

But you can't move on.


End file.
